Sunday, August 26, 2012

Old Struggles, New Discoveries.

Wow. It has been months since I have posted on my blog. I apologize for the neglect.
I have been quite busy this summer.
I have moved into my own little place. It is quite cute and I really enjoy it. I live close to my school, close to a number of parks, close to the river, close to a number of stores, and close to all the action of Downtown, while far enough away to have my little safe haven.
I have recently started working at the campus library. It truly is wonderful. I get excited to go to work, and that is a great feeling. I just love being around books! And the people I work with are really fantastic.
Little Miss started daycare recently as well. We're still getting use to it, but hopefully we will both be able to look forward to her getting to spend time with her friends. I'm really hoping she learns how to play with other kids and not be afraid of them. I feel like the social benefits will help her much more than staying home with me did.
I am trying out different churches. I went to one right around the corner from my house. We walked there, which was great! At first I was unsure of what to expect. I was attending a pretty big church before, which I loved, and this one was much much smaller. However, when I walked through the doors, I was immediately greeted and welcomed by many people. I was introduced to others, invited to sit with people, and to enjoy myself. Little Miss made a friend with a lady right away. She even sat with her, who I found out was the pastor's daughter and was just a  year younger than me. We were shown around the church and invited to come back and join the Bible Study. I may take them up on the offer.
I have been struggling lately. I have never been good at the prayer thing, and I'm really not good at listening and knowing when God is answering me. But I'm working on it. And I think this may be where God wants me. I may try out a couple of nearby churches, to be sure. But I think that this may be where I need to be right now.
Things are going to get better. I feel that. I believe that. I have been struggling with more than just my spiritual well-being, but my social, emotional and psychological as well.

This post has been more of a diary entry than anything. That's okay. This is something that I've been wanting to discuss, and am just now finding the strength to do so.
I will probably go into more detail on some of the things I've mentioned at a later date. For now, I think I'll sign off.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Birthday Girl!

Today is Little Miss's First Birthday!
Time really does fly. It seems like only yesterday I held her in my arms for the very first time:
Counting her perfect little fingers and toes.
Stroking her gorgeous dark hair with beams of sunlit gold throughout.
Looking into her eyes and seeing my whole life in those beautiful deep blue oceans.
It's amazing how a 7 pound, 4 ounce, 19 and 3/4 inch bundle of perfection can make your heart burst with love. Absolutely incredible.
Can it really be a year already!?

First, Little Miss and I went for a little stroll through the Rose Gardens. 
Beautiful Roses for a Beautiful Girl.
Walking Among the Roses.

 And then we played at Just Kid'n Around.
Playing Basketball
Just Chillin.


Finally, we cuddled and read Winnie the Pooh, and went to bed.
Sleeping Beauty.

All in all, it was a wonderful birthday for a wonderful girl. I look forward to the many years to come.
I am so blessed that this little angel calls me Mommy.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Time to Walk!

Without further ado...
That's right! Look out world, here she comes!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Money.


What a wonderful thought.
I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family, great friends, and the most precious baby girl in the world.
That doesn't make money any less of a necessary evil. This week, I worked every day, two jobs, as well as went to school. I felt like I barely got to see my sweet Little Miss. It was definitely a difficult week.
I need money to finish school and raise my daughter. But I am stuck in that precarious position of deciding which is more important: having enough money to live well enough until I finish school, or spending time with my baby. 
I know Little Miss will never go without anything she needs. I've got two years left of school, and I make sure that she has everything she needs.
But that does become difficult when unexpected bills arise, and I need the extra money.
I have no solution to this problem. Money is money. It is necessary to survival in society.
Just be grateful that you are so rich, you have more than just money.

Albert Einstein.




Saturday, April 14, 2012

Little Miss Flies.

Wow!
It has been quite some time since I have posted anything about my beautiful Little Miss. Sorry for the break. I will be getting right back to spreading inspiration now!
Firstly, Little Miss is now 10 and a half months old. Time has passed so quickly! Only a month and a half left before my little girl turns one! Crazy!!
It's amazing to think of all the changes that have happened in the past 10 months. She was so little, and now she's almost three times as big as she was when she was born. She is almost walking. She loves climbing all over everything! I have a box next to my bed that she uses to climb up and down. She also babbles all the time. Mamama and Bababa. I absolutely love it!
Most of all, I love play time with my baby girl!! 
She is just so stinking cute! I swear, if you are ever having a bad day, just have some play time!

Friday, March 16, 2012

F. Scott Fitzgerald


Dreams of Driving.

I wish I could promise you wouldn't hurt anymore. 
And I wish I could promise things would change. 
But I can't.
And they won't. 
Only you can change.
Only you can get away.
 So drive.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Safe & Sound.


You are with God now.
You are safe and sound.

Black Butterfly.

A little black butterfly flew around me today.
My hands were full, my heart was broken. She danced in front of me for only a moment. I couldn't stop to admire her, or thank her for stopping by before flying away.
I know she's in heaven, flying with the angels. Her pretty little wings are dancing freely. She has the most stunning smile on her face, and when the sun shines and the moon glows, it's her spirit lighting up the world. I know she loves us very much. 
That's why she flew around me today.

Kelsey LeAnne Belcher
September 16, 1993 ~ March 10, 2012
God's most beautiful angel.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Laundromat.

the Dryer hums                                                                

perfunctorily
walls muffle hushed thump thump
sit and watch
laundries tumble in the machine—
heats damp clothes,
throws out the water—
 
the timer counts down
thin, green, block numbers
tick. tick.
silent reminder of the end.
 
lean in and listen to the laundries;
hear the water evaporate
cool down period
 
the urge to open the door—
stop the spinning cycle
before time is up—
beckons
 
numbers blink one minute closer
one minute closer, thump thump
sit. watch.
 
dryer slows
quiet hum a memory
timer beeps, door opens
the Clothes are ready now.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Sleep.


Ahh! Sleep is eluding me.
This is my mind right now.
Welcome.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Living Roles.

Everyday we have a role we have to play.
In every situation, around every person.
We are mothers, fathers, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, brothers and sisters, children.
We are employees and employers, customers and patients, students and teachers.
We are leaders, followers, inventors, builders, writers, painters, engineers.
We are what we have to be.
We fit into the role we have to play.
But when we're alone? Who are we?
Who are you? Who am I?
Which roles are part of who we are and which are what we become?
And when do we say "Enough is Enough.
I am me. That should be all I have to be."

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Shake It Out.


Let go of regrets.
Move forward into better days.
This is hard. But maybe, maybe I'm ready now.
I hope I'm ready.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Temper Tantrum.

Little Miss is a pretty happy little girl. If you were to see her on the street, you would see a happy, energetic, playful, darling 8-month-old.
I may be biased, but this would be a pretty accurate description of her.
She loves attention. She loves to play. She laughs a lot, smiles one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen, and just has that all around air of happiness.
However, if you make her mad...
Well, perhaps I should just show you all one of her glorious temper tantrums.
This one is toned down a bit, and is pretty funny.


Yes, she is saying what you think she is. Love this little girl.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Neil Gaiman.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

Thanks Neil. Just in case anyone was wondering...love hurts.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Clams.


I am:
Beautiful.
Intelligent.
Funny.
Valuable.
Meaningful.
Loved.
Intriguing.
A good mother.
A good friend.
An adventure.
Captivating.
A treasure.


Look at the Fishies.

Little Miss and I went to the aquarium.
She loved it! She squealed and screamed in delight as she slapped her tiny hands on the glass and played in the water.








So as you all can see, she had fun. And it was fun watching her.
I do believe when she is old enough, I will have to take her to try lobster. She kept trying to lick the lobster exhibit's glass.
Of course my child would like sea food. I can't stand it! It's only fitting.
We'll be returning.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Gaining Self Acceptance.

Where to start?
I read an article, and it just yelled at me, "Remember me? Remember what it was like? Remember me!"
Don't worry. I remember.
This article, titled Body of Work (p.s. if you want to read this, follow the link and type the title into the search engine on the site. For some reason, it's not allowing me to link it directly), is the story of a model, too fat and too skinny. In other words, she was stuck in model limbo. This is a brief description about her journey to perfection.
Remember me?
Perfection.
Yeah, I remember you.
One of the darkest times of my life was the time when Perfection beckoned me with her long, beautiful hand, whispered promises with her sultry voice, seduced me with her unrealistic dreams. The soft caress of her lies assaulted my sensibilities and battered my beliefs.
Perfection was the abusive lover I couldn't resist, I couldn't refuse, I couldn't run from.
Why?
I suppose it's because we all have our weaknesses. Mine is perfection.
But guess what?
I'm not perfect. Shocker, I know.
So, yeah, Perfection. I remember you.
It is a continuous battle to remember that I'm better off without you. Perfection is tempting. I mean, to rid myself of all my flaws? To graduate college with perfect grades? To have a great paying job? To never screw up with raising a child? To always know the right thing to say? To never hurt, never cry, never look at myself and wish I was someone else? That would be perfect.
But I'm okay. I'm me. I have stretch marks and bony elbows. I don't get perfect grades because I don't always do my homework. I make minimum wage. I don't always know what decision to make with Little Miss. I have to apologize for feelings I hurt and fix mistakes. I hurt. I cry. I am me.
And I can accept me.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Bonding Over Bedtime Books.

The blankets are tucked. The story is read. The kisses are given. The lights are out.
Little Miss is in bed.
And I am sitting contentedly on the couch, thinking.
Little Miss and I read the first chapter of Winnie the Pooh. I am quite excited about this. We got the complete collection of A.A. Milne's classic story for Christmas. She also got a couple of the Olivia the Pig books. We've read some of those, and they are just adorable. Likewise, we have been reading Dr. Seuss stories.
Back to Winnie the Pooh. I absolutely love it! It is full of sweet little stories of imaginative adventures. I think I'm as excited to be reading it myself as I am to be reading it to Little Miss.
Books are very important to me. I have always loved books. I can recall when my great grandma would read to me the stories of Alice in Bible Land. I was so excited when I could read with her. And I loved when my mother would read to me. Reading is more than just listening to a story. It's a time for learning, for exploring the imagination. And it is a time for bonding and building memories.
And what could be more incredible than the bond between a mother and her child? Or a father and his child? Or a grandparent, an aunt, a brother?
It's the little things in life, the times that my mom and grandma read to me, that are some of the most meaningful. 
And I hope to pass on the love of books and reading to Little Miss.